


Shinigami Social Media

by TooGay4Dis



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alan is constantly changing his eyebrows, Alois is tumblr trash, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bard is a jock, Black Butler References, Ciel is closeted, Closeted fangirl, Could be offensive, Eric's a bigger dick than we intended him to be, Everyone Is Gay, Female Pronouns for Grell Sutcliff, Finny is emo, Grell gives Alan baby farm animal names, Grell is instagram famous, Grell is me in every situation, Humour, I Am Groot, Kuroshitsuji II | Black Butler II, Mey Rin is scene af, Modern Era, Multi, Poor Sebastian, Ronald and Eric have a prank channel, Sebastian is confused, This is how we bond, Trans Character, Undertaker writes creepy fanfictions, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why did we write this?, Will complains... as always, Yes there are two of us, black butler crack, crackfic, except everyone, it reflects us really, lots of swearing, mature themes, no characters were hurt in the making of this crackfic, read with caution, there's three of us now, we entrusted the help of a straight guy, what am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:30:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7476945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooGay4Dis/pseuds/TooGay4Dis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PREPARE YOUR ANUS. SOMEONE GAVE THE SHINIGAMI SOCIAL MEDIA!</p><p>Sebastian gives Ciel a computer for Christmas... he regrets it by Boxing Day. As if seeing the Shinigamis in real life wasn't enough, he now gets to see *shudders* their double life as- internet stars? Honestly...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Day of Judgement...

**Author's Note:**

> We make no apology for this crackfic. There will be tears. There will be pain. And Grell may or may not own a sparkly bikini (previously Will's, who knew?). This is what happens when you give the gays a computer. Enjoy!

It was Christmas Day 2015 and Ciel was eagerly tearing the Barbie wrapping paper away from one of his many presents. He looked at the box and tears formed in his eyes. It was the present he asked for. The present he said that if he did not get, he would throw himself off the highest tower if it wasn't there.

"S-Sebastian, I-"

"It's okay, Bocchan." Sebastian said in that sultry voice of his. "I know you needed it."

"Damn right I did!" Ciel exclaimed. He ripped open the box like a lion going through heat. "Wow..." He muttered. "It's so  big." 

"Is it not to your liking, young master?"

"Oh don't you worry, peasant slave, it's perfect. This will entertain me for hours. I can barely keep my hands off it. It's so smooth... and shiny... and hard."

"As it is intended, young Lord. We could play with it together, if you'd like?"

"NO WAY, GET YOUR OWN! THIS IS MINE, YOU COCKY, ANNOYING NINNY HAMMER!"

Sebastian frowned. "That's no way to talk to someone who had to suffer in the Apple Store. Greg was a lovely helper, but I didn't understand his techno language. Something about FaceTube... it surpasses me. My intellect is far too advanced for such a thing. And who is Siri? She will not replace me, will she Bocchan?!"

"Of course not!" Ciel exclaimed. "Who would dress me otherwise? You know I am incapable of putting on my own socks."

~Impromptu time lapse coz we're fancy~

The only thing Ciel has done in the past three weeks is put a sign on the door:

"Sebastian, this is an order, fuck off." 

Sebastian sighed as he put his ear to his young master's wood. His wooden door, that is. He hadn't seen his master apart from to coax him into eating. He was pretty sure Bocchan hadn't even changed his clothes as he was still in the same pair of My Little Pony pyjamas he'd seen him in some few days ago.

Even when Sebastian's head occasionally popped through the cat flap Ciel had installed, he caught the young earl eating doughnuts and drinking Mountain Dew with his teeth so he could keep his hands free for his internetting purposes. The butler couldn't help but notice Ciel had put on weight.

He definitely has more chins than before.  He thought to himself in dismay.

Then, something caught the demons eye. Something on Ciel's new computer.  Is- is that GRELL?! 

The red head was shaking her buttocks from side to side wildly. Sebastian looked at the title. "Adorable Redhead Twerks to Gangsta Rap." He stared, mesmerized at Grell's jiggly butt cheeks, like two bouncy castles with a fat child jumping on it.

"Bocchan, what are you watching?" He asked from the cat flap.

Ciel whipped his head around wildly, his chins following a couple of seconds later. "S-Sebastian!" He cried, slamming shut the lid of his laptop.

"How are Grell's buttocks shaking like that? I do not understand. The physics behind it is positively mind boggling."

"Silicon, Sebastian." Ciel replied simply. "They're her new implants."

"Swiggity swooty, I'm coming for that booty." He said, salivating slightly. Ciel sighed and slammed the cat flap shut in his butler's face. "Ow!" The butler cried. "Don't lie, Bocchan, we all want a piece of dat ass."

~End of Chapter One~

8===D ~~~~


	2. The Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> William complains, Eric's a shitty boyfriend and Alan doesn't deserve any of this.

Grell smirked as she watched as the likes and comments rolled in. She sighed to herself, wishing that her darling William would show up in the ratings.

Will had his own youtube channel, but it was nowhere near as popular as hers. He had 12 subscribers, 11 of those being himself on different accounts, the other subscriber being Grell, she felt bad for the poor lamb.

She felt a pit of despair in her stomach like a soldier going into battle: Will had updated. She grimaced as she clicked on the video, waiting a few seconds for it to load.

"Hello, this is William T Spears AKA RespectTheSpecs123, and I'm here with my new 45 minute video on how I hate McDonald's (part 6)." 

Grell sighed and ran a hand through her flaming locks. His videos were dreadfully dull, but she didn't mind. It meant she could stalk William better without having to worry about the restraining order he put in against her. William droned on about some urban legend about the fast food chain, something about the buns being made up of human carcasses. Not only did they put human flesh in the buns, but the chain told their families they went to fight off in a war. He carried on talking for a full 30 minutes without even taking a breath. Grell watched, eyes wide, as Will slowly turned a purple colour as he got more and more worked up.

Eventually Will stopped and took a breath, like he just finished a five hour marathon of sex.

"This has been William T Spears and you have just RESPECTED THE SPECS!  He cried, pumping his fist into the air and smacking his head on a lampshade. He then added with a whisper,  "123." 

Grell stared at the screen, numbed, not quite sure what she had witnessed but was glad to see the beauteous, steamy and voluptuous reaper. She then proceeded to check Ronald and Eric's prank channel AKA Punnilingus_Pranks. She saw that they had also updated, and her heart went out to Alan, Eric's boyfriend, who had been caught in the reaper's pranking escapades.

She clicked on the video, titled,  "Tol Bean Pranks Smol Bean"  and saw in the thumbnail Alan crying.  Those bastards.  She thought to herself in outrage.

She watched the video with a frown on her face.

"HELLO AND WECOME TO PUNNILINGUS_PRANKS, AYYYYYYYY!" The two reapers shouted, fist bumping each other. 

"Fuckboys." Grell muttered to herself.

Ronald was wearing a very low V neck vest top, showing off his chiselled abs and leaving hardly anything to the imagination. The only thing questionable now was whether he had an innie or an outie.

Eric's outfit was a little more... quirky.... shall we say. He was wearing bright pink socks with unicorns on them along with white ripped skinny jeans with a button up shirt with purple flowers on it. He remembered Alan saying they looked a lot like Erica flowers so it was now Eric's favourite shirt. He was also sporting a bright pink bowtie. 

"We're 'ere with a new vid!"  Eric exclaimed in a fake, overexcited voice.  "Today, we're pranking ma dear Alan." Ronald nodded eagerly as he set up the camera. 

"Alan, babe, can ye come 'ere a second?" Eric called from behind the living room door, wearing a Freddy Kruger mask. 

"Just a second!" Alan responded. "I'm bringing in the shopping from Waitrose!" 

Eric waited, giggling to himself from behind the door. He could hear Alan shuffling in his ugg boots. Eric didn't hesitate. 

"BOO!" He yelled, earning a shriek from Alan who dropped his shopping bags. Ronald watched in agony as the eggs flew out of the bag. Time slowed down as they tumbled to the floor and Eric's eyes widened as he saw Alan's lip quiver. 

"Those were free range." Alan whispered, menacingly. Eric gulped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ERIC, YOU BASTARD! XD


	3. Claude is a Fuckboy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ronald is terrified of flying footwear and Alois is still batshit crazy.

Grell screamed as the video buffered. When the video loaded back up, she heard a wail of hysteria from the computer. She looked to see Alan on the floor by the eggs, weeping uncontrollably.

"Alan? Alan, it's okay! We'll buy some more, yeah?" Eric tried to reason with the inconsolable man. 

"Seven British coins of the worth of SEVEN BRITISH POUNDS, they cost me!" Alan cried indignantly. 

Eric cringed. He could almost hear Ronald's fear as he stood in the doorway. "It's alri', Al, they're only eggs. We'll get some more."

Alan looked feral. He had tears streaming down his face and he was foaming at the mouth slightly. "I was going to make a cake with those, you- you- silly billy!" 

Ronald turned the camera around, his face matching the cream walls. He scratched the back of his head nervously. "Heh heh, well, uh, that's all we have time for today!" He said quickly. "Subscribe for more vide-AHHH!" Ronald yelled as an ugg boot flew through the air and hit the wall behind him. The video cut off. 

Grell was once again in a state of shock. She didn't know what was worse, Alan's outburst or Eric's fashion sense. She needed to call the little chick to make sure he was okay.

~Meanwhie, at the Trancy Estate~

"CLLLLLAAAAAUUUDDDEEEEE!!!!!!!" Came the yell of a disgruntled thirteen year old with questionable sanity.

The butler flew up the stairs, taking four at a time. He burst into his master's bedroom, falling over the mound of underwear and booty shorts. "What is it, your Highness?" He questioned.

"My computer has a virus again! I demand you fix it!" Alois wailed.

"Is that from all the porn, your Highness?"

Alois stammered. "W-what, NO! How dare you imply I watch such filth! You know I only read smut!"

The butler sighed, readjusting his snapback. It was one of the few gifts his master had given him and he was very unthankful for it. He still had to wear his butler uniform, but his little brat- I mean- Lord demanded he wore the grotesquely vibrant hat.

I look like a fuckboy.  He thought to himself in anguish.

"I don't pay you to sit around looking pretty!" Alois cried. "Help me!"

"You don't pay me." Claude muttered sourly.

"You're a demon! What do you need money for?!"

"Sex." Claude muttered again.

Alois' eyes went wide. "Well... if that's what you want... I'm sure it can... be arranged."

Claude threw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Be sure to give us a comment to see how you're liking it so far! We really appreciate them! :)


	4. Sprinkled Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grell is surprisingly caring and Eric is a stupid Scotsman.

Alan sighed as he picked up his pink IPhone as it played the Crazy Frog theme tune. "Hello?" He sighed heavily.

"Alan!" Screamed Grell from the phone. Alan grimaced and held the phone away from his ear. "Are you alright, dear? I saw what Eric did! That bastard! I'll kill him! Did he hurt you? Are you upset? Are you-"

"Grell, Grell! Calm down! I'm fine." Alan cut her off. "Eric apologized and we got more eggs. We even made the cake- with extra sprinkles!" He added excitedly.

"Awwww!" Grell squealed. "That's  sooooooo  cute! You're so forgiving!"  Perhaps too forgiving.  Grell thought with a frown.

"Yeah, well, Eric would never hurt me on purpose. He's just stupid sometimes. I blame that on the fact he's Scottish."

"Well I'm glad you're okay. I'm going to Starbucks, wanna come?"

Alan's inner white girl came forth. "Of course, thanks Grell!"

Grell smiled. "My treat."

~*~

"I'm tellin' you mate," Ronald said excitedly, stuffing his mouth with the sprinkled cake. "This'll be the prank that sends Punnilingus_Pranks to the top!"

Eric frowned. "I'm not so sure..."

"Oh come on!" Ron exclaimed, crumbs flying everywhere, like Alan's Ugg boot the previous night. "I thought you cared about the channel!"

"I do!" Eric exclaimed. "It's just... ye saw how mad 'e got last night. I don't want tae get hit with his Doc Martins this time. Who ken someone so small could 'ave such killer aim?"

"Ah, it'll be fine. Alan's a pushover. He'll forgive you- he always does. Besides, it's just a bit of fun."

Eric pondered for a few seconds. "I'm not sure he'll think the same. But if ye think that's what will get us to the top, I'm in."

Ron smiled as they shook hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh. Boys, what are you planning???!


	5. I Wanna Fuck You Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Finny is an emo, Mey Rin is a scene queen and Bard is in a constant state of delirium.

~Meanwhile at the Phantomhive Estate~

Music could be heard blasting loudly in the Servant's Quarters. My Chemical Romance: Welcome to the Black Parade was playing in the room on the left, nothing was coming from the room in the middle but the door on the right was playing Sexting by Blood on the Dancefloor.

Sebastian sighed after finally freeing himself from the cat flap. He opened the first door.

Finny was sat in a corner on a beanbag painted black, sobbing uncontrollably. The beanbag was originally pink and Bard's, but the younger stole it so he could cry in comfort. "I-I just don't understand!" Finny yelled, eyeliner dripping down his face, like water but black. "Why d-did they have to break up?! They even deleted the Tweet, god damn it! I thought they were coming back!" He burst into tears again.

Sebastian sighed. "Finny, I know you're sad about My Chemical Romance, but it's just a band."

Finny's head whipped round like the exorcist. "IT'S NOT 'JUST A BAND', IT'S A LIFESTYLE!" He yelled.

"God I hate it when kids go through their emo phase." The butler muttered. "I suppose it was going to happen eventually." He mused.

"IT'S NOT A PHASE!" Finny yelled. "THIS IS WHO I AM. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT ME?! BVB SAVED MY LIFE!"

"Yes, well, 'BVB' don't pull the weeds, Finnian. Get to work!" He ordered.

Finny sighed and nodded. He got up from the beanbag and his hair fell into his face. He had taken his clips out so he could have what he liked to call an 'alternative hairstyle'.

Deciding he'd have enough of Finny's moping, Sebastian moved into the middle room which was eerily quiet. He opened the door slowly, to be met with Bard rocking back and forth.

"Make it stop." The chef whispered. "I don't want to live in this room anymore. The music, Sebastian. The music!" He said hysterically. "It's awful! If this is music, I am shoelaces."

Sebastian stood, confused and slightly frightened and Bard's behaviour. "That last sentence didn't even make sense." The butler pointed out. "Come on, Bard, up. You can get away from the music by going into the kitchen.

Bard nodded, stumbling out of the room, humming in delirium. Sebastian ran a hand over his face before going over to the last room.

I wanna fuck you hard, I wanna feel you deep, I wanna ahh ahh, I wanna ahh ahh! 

Mey Rin was on her bed, jumping up in the air and head banging, her foam accessories flying around her. Sebastian cleared his throat.

"Oh! I'm sorry, Mr Sebastian, yes I am!" She cried over her music.

"Mey Rin, what the  hell  is this?"

"It's Blood on the Dancefloor, Sebastian. They're really good. Dahvie Vanity is, like, the modern day Shakespeare."

"Clearly." The butler deadpanned. "Haven't you got work to do?"

The maid furiously nodded before turning her 'music' off and leaving to tend to her duties, humming the tune to You're So Creepy.

"I have finally lost faith in the mortal world." Sebastian grumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #sorrynotsorry


	6. You Make Me Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is intense and probably offensive- you have been warned.

Alan sat in the corner of Starbucks drinking from his coffee cup and munching on his blueberry muffin Grell had kindly bought for him.

"So how are you and William?" He asked with a smile.

Grell's face lit up. "Oh me and William are brilliant! I mean, the restraining order lets up in a month so I hope to win his heart then."

Alan smiled over his poorly hidden grimace. "That's- that's good."

"I know! He's going to drop on his knees in front of me one day! I can just feel it, we'll be an inseparable power couple!"

"And I thought you'd be the one dropping on your knees..." Alan muttered.

Suddenly, the Crazy Frog theme tune boomed throughout the small coffee shop, ruining the Tumblr aesthetic. He looked at the caller ID.

Dickhead Calling... 

Alan sighed as he picked up the phone. "Hey Ronald, what is it?"

"Hi, Alan." Ronald's voice was strangely sombre.

Alan's newly waxed brows furrowed in confusion. "What's up?" He was hoping for Ronald to drop his sad tone and screech out "the sky" but it didn't happen.

"It's Eric. There's something wrong with him. His phone died and- just come over, Alan. I-I can't- I can't do this over the phone."

Alan's stomach dropped. "I'll be right there!" He exclaimed before hanging up the phone and rising up from the chair.

"Duckling, what's up? Where are you going?" Grell asked.

"I-I-I have to go! I'm sorry!" He said in a rushed tone before running out of the shop.

"Alan wait!" Grell called but it was too late. "You didn't even finish your macchiato!"

~*~

Alan burst through the apartment like that time he was chased by killer geese at Reagent's Park.

"Sunshine, what's wrong?!" He cried.

Eric was lying on the couch in his pink dressing gown with a flannel on his head. Ronald was stood at the side feeding him grapes.

Alan approached cautiously.

"Come closer, my child." Eric croaked.

"Eric... you're scaring me. What's happening?"

Ronald turned Eric's head so he was facing Alan more clearly and so Eric could reserve his energy.

"Tell him." Eric said, his voice just over a whisper.

"Eric has..." Ronald dropped to his knees dramatically, wincing on impact as he threw himself onto the coffee table. "...THE THORNS OF  DEATH!  " He screeched, as Eric's body violently convulsed behind him.

"THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL!" Eric yelled, sinking back into the mountain of cushions, almost knocking his pot noodle off the table. "I am weakened." He added with a whisper.

Eric looked up to see Alan's small frame racked with silent sobs.

As Alan looked up between the parting of his fringe, he noticed Ronald smirking and...

The flashing red light of a camera recording. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Eric, you dun fooked up.


	7. Drama Ensues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric is a dick, as usual and Grell can't control her temper.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY BROKE UP?!" Alois screeched.

"Young master, you survived Zayn leaving One Direction, I think you can survive this." Claude said in his usual bored tone.

"BUT ERIC AND ALAN WERE MY OTP! THEY REMINDED ME THAT TRUE LOVE EXISTS!" Alois threw his head back into his pillow, wailing uncontrollably.

"Clearly not..." Claude muttered under his breath.

Alois resurfaced from the cushions. "I HAVE TO TELL UNDERTAKER!" He proceeded to pick up his pink MacBook and opened Skype. He scrolled through his contacts list and finally found the person who he was searching for under the username UnniesDaNameMutiliatingCorpsesIsMaGame123. He practically punched the keypad in his desperation to make the call, nearly breaking the screen.

It was three rings before the familiar cockney twang was heard from the other end.

"'Ello there, little Earl! The mortician giggled.

"Unnie..." Alois whispered. "I have bad news..."

"What is it, Dearie?" Undertaker asked with a grin.

"Eric and Alan... they broke up."

Undertaker's smile dropped, his face holding unmasked fury and anguish. "What?!"

"They- they.... BROKE UP!!!111!!1!" Alois hung his head and started sobbing once again.

"Well there goes me fanfiction career." Undertaker muttered.

"But... I thought you were a mortician?" Alois cocked his head.

"That's not the point!" Undertaker exclaimed. "I need me daily smut for when I'm choppin' up bodies."

Alois instinctively backed away from the computer. "That's not healthy, Unnie. Then again, who am I to talk?"

Undertaker sighed. "Anyway, are you sure about this?"

"Well, I-"

Alois was interrupted by a  ping  from his computer.

FluffyPastelBunny has uploaded a new video 

"UNNIE? UNNIE, YOU SEEING THIS?!" Alois screamed.

"INDEED I AM!" Undertaker yelled. "It seems our dear Alan has updated." He said with a whisper.

~*~

"Hello my little fluffles." Alan said with less enthusiasm than usual, a look of utter heartbreak on his face. "As some of you may have already heard, myself and Eric are no longer fornicating." He wiped a stray tear off his face.

In the background, Grell could be heard cursing and smashing things in the apartment. "This can go! This can go! I don't know why you accepted this off him, it's positively ghastly!"

"Grell calm down!" Alan got up and snatched the purple ceramic rabbit off her. "But I like this rabbit, it inspired my YouTube name."

"But  it  gave it to you."

"I know." Alan said sadly. "Grell, will you do me a favour and come with me to his apartment? I need to get some things and I don't wanna go alone."

"Of course, my little gosling! I think it's time I payed the pair a visit anyway." She growled.

"Please don't kill them. I know what Eric did was wrong but... I-I still love him." He wiped his eyes with the corner of his unicorn jumper sleeve.

Grell sighed. "Alright, darling. But only for you."  He never said anything about me injuring them slightly...  She thought to herself.

The pair then left the apartment, Alan taking his vlogging camera with him. Alan was an extremely popular youtuber, owning a beauty guru channel. He had over 60 billion subscribers and he loved every single one of them.

Eventually, they reached Eric's apartment.

"Alan, just remember, you're not alone, I'm here with you."

"Thank you, Grell." Alan said, engulfing the red head in a hug. "For everything."

"You're welcome, sugarplum."

They quickly went into the foyer, heading up the stairs. Alan hesitated before knocking on the door.

The door opened. "Hey, it's about ti- Oh!" A half naked Ronald answered the door, clad only in boxers and a blanket. "H-hey Alan.." He said meekly.

"Hi." Alan responded stiffly. "Is Eric home?"

Grell scoffed. "Come on now Alan, enough of the niceties." She pushed past the brunette and glared at Ronald. "You!" She exclaimed, grabbing him by the waistline of his boxers and throwing him against the wall.

"Agh! Hey! M-ma balls!"

"From the looks of it, it looks like you don't have any!" She growled.

"Grell! Grell! Let him go!"

"But he started this!"

"Ronald may have been the instigator, but it was Eric who followed through with it. He was the one who was supposed to love and protect me, not hurt me."

"Alan..." Eric breathed from the doorway, holding a saucepan in protection from the redhead. Grell still had Ronald pinned to the wall.

"I came here for my things." Alan said quietly.

"Okay." Eric responded. "What about mine?"

"Ummm...." Grell's cheeks were dusted with a light pink. "Not important!" She said hastily.

"Well, this is awkward." Ronald said, scratching the back of his head from his position at the wall.

"You're the reason they broke up!" Grell screeched. "This channel is just you overcompensating for you dick size! If you weren't so power hungry, I wouldn't have to stick my heels up your arse! My heels are the size you wish your little chode was! NOW GO AND SIT DOWN!" She released the smaller reaper, sending him crashing to the floor.

"Yes, ma'am." He said quietly.

Alan began to gather up his stuff. Just as they were about to leave, Eric stopped him.

"I'm really sorry, Alan."

"Sorry? You said you were sorry the first time! Then you said you were sorry the second time! It never ends with you! You're just full of empty promises! Maybe if you had more friends in the world, I wouldn't of had to suffer with you!"

"Suffer? Suffer?! Ye know what Alan? All the critics said I was just goin' out with ye for the fame, and ye know what? Maybe they were right!" Eric exclaimed before shutting the door in Alan and Grell's face.

Ronald let out a whistle. "That was a low blow, man." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draaaaama!! Please let us know what you thought!


	8. Incoherent Scottish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan's a badass and Eric's a cunt. Also, we fear for Ronald's health.

"...and that's 10 reasons why Eric Slingby is the scum of the earth." 

Eric slammed the lid of his laptop shut, furious by Grell's new video on her youtube channel.  Alan put her up to this, I'm sure of it!  He thought angrily.  I think it's time I payed him another visit. 

He left his bedroom only to discover Ronald sprawled all over the couch. Ever since he moved in three weeks ago, the apartment always seemed to have the lingering smell of body odour and artificial flavouring.

Said reaper was surrounded by empty boxes of poptarts.

"Ye know yer supposed to toast those, right?" Eric said from the doorway.

"Eh, can't be arsed." Ron replied. "Anyway, where ya off to?"

Eric scoffed. "I'm off to pay ma  darling  Alan a visit."

Ron's eyes widened. "You want me to come with ya?"

"No, ta. I don't need nobody to come with me, I'm a fuckin' man."

"Well you sure fooled me." Ron muttered. "Have fun, mate."

"Aye, will do."

~*~

Whether it was from the fact that it was snowing or that Eric was fuelled by an uncontrollable anger that made him kick a snowman over for the fuck of it, the usual five minute walk to Grell's apartment seemed to go on for an eternity. The little fucker had been living with Grell whilst Ronald swapped and began living with him. Trust his luck that he ended up having to deal with endless farting and snoring from a certain black/blond haired reaper. Seriously, what did that bastard consume? It smelled liked like someone shat out their colon, ate it and then shat it out again.

All Alan had to worry about was the smell of potpourri and the fact that Grell would have a hissy fit if the curtains didn't match the carpet properly.

Eric growled to himself in incoherent Scottish. Passer-by's could only catch the words 'kilt', 'sheep' and 'fucker.' He eventually reached the front door.

Before he even knocked, he screamed, "Alan I ken yer in there! I can smell the bastard Yankee Candles from 'ere!"

Grell answered the door, rollers in her hair, fire in her eyes. "Stop your god damn Scottish screeching and get in here!" She yelled. She quickly grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into the apartment. "I won't have you waking up the neighbours with your big gob!"

Alan then appeared timidly in the doorway. "What do you want?"

"I ken ye put her up to this!" Eric yelled.

Alan's now threaded eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"That bastard video! She got more views than I did! It'll fuckin' ruin my channel!"

"I know." Grell said smugly.

"E-Eric I really don't know what you're talking about. I haven't been on YouTube for the past two days! I... I haven't had the means to." He hung his head.

"Don't lie to me, ye little shit!"

"Hey!" Grell screeched. "Don't you dare insult Alan!" She reached into the cupboard, grabbing a mug and throwing it in Eric's general direction. "Take that!" She yelled triumphantly. "I just ruined your favourite mug!"

"Grell!" Alan exclaimed. "That was  my  favourite mug!"

She bristled. "GOD DAMMIT, ERIC! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT?!" Eric screamed. "FUCK YOU, GRELL! AND FUCK YOUR SHITTY POTPOURRI! IT SMELLS LIKE VAGINA ANYWAY!"

"YEAH, LIKE YOU'D KNOW WHAT THAT SMELLS LIKE!" Grell screamed back.

"FUCK YOU!"

"Please don't fight." Alan says whilst looking through the cupboards. "Just get out." His lip trembled slightly.

Eric sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Alan I-"

"Just go." He whispered.

Eric nodded silently, exiting the apartment. Alan made his way over to the balcony, sighing to himself. He watched with a smirk as Eric came into the car park below. He opened the door.

"Eric!" He called. Eric looked up, his eyes filling with hope. "FUCK YOU!" Alan yelled, throwing Eric's favourite My Little Pony mug that he got with an Easter egg off the balcony.

Eric screamed like a little schoolgirl, trying to avoid all the shards that threatened to slice him as open as Grell's legs on a Saturday night.

Alan closed the door and sat on the couch, shaking slightly. "Pardon my French." He muttered. He passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As there's two of us writing this story, does anyone even know what Potpourri is?! I bloody don't but Lucy does. Apparently "everyone knows what that is." R00d.


	9. Brewing mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The heart wants what the heart wants, but unfortunately, so do your genitals....

"Alan! Honeybunch, are you okay?!" Grell questioned, concern washing over her like semen on a Saturday night. She shook him slightly, trying to rouse him.

"Mmmm... marshmallow fluffles..." Alan muttered incoherently.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  She thought. "Alan, ah ken yer awake!" She said in a low Scottish accent. "Alan famalam, it's okay, open yer eyes ye wee shite."

"E-Eric? Is that you? You know I love it when you be romantic..." Alan said, slowly opening his eyes.

"By jove, how did you stay with such a pompous brute?" The redhead muttered.

"G-Grell?!" Alan exclaimed. "W-what's going on??"

"W-well... you got into a fight and you smashed his favourite mug. It was quite a spectacle, very entertaining, darling. The cup shattered at the same time as Eric's hopes and dreams- how dramatic!" She swooned.

"Oh my god... how could I do that?! I'm a terrible person!"

"Alan, calm down! It was a three pound shitty mug that came with an Easter egg that Eric had an allergic reaction to! The poor bastard was pooping for days." She muttered. "I can still smell it if I try hard enough, the strong scent of regret and exhaustion. Jesus, it was coming out of him like a tap, I was pretty sure his colon was about to-"

"Grell!" Alan whined. "Ugh! I've made such a mistake! I have to find him!" The Shinigami then ran out of the apartment.

Grell was left stunned in the doorway "Alan? Alan, wait!"

~*~

Eric sighed as he wandered through the empty streets of London, the recent events going through his mind like a whirlwind. He had never heard Alan swear before, let alone at him. There was a time when Alan worshipped every inch on his luxurious body-  Okay, Eric. Now's not tha time. 

Eric stopped suddenly in shock, not quite believing his eyes. His stoic boss, the guy who had a brush shoved so far up his arse he could clean the floor whilst berating Eric for not doing overtime, was in front of him holding... a Hot Topic bag. The contents inside was clear: a Jeffree Star headband and a Blood on the Dancefloor t-shirt.

Will stopped, sniffing the air.  Slingby.  He thought with distaste.

"B-boss?"

An inhuman noise left William's mouth as he shoved the carrier bag down his pants. "Slingby! What a man spends his overtime money on is none of your business!"

"Right..." Eric drawled. "That's a nice butt you got there, Sir."

"And what have my buttocks got to do with anything, Slingby?!" William exclaimed. "Oh. I see. The carrier bag." He quickly removed it from his trousers, knowing he'd already been rumbled.

"It's alreet, Sir. You should see tha shit that Ronnie buys, the bastard consumes more food than that Trancy kid has booty shorts."

Will cleared his throat. "Well, I think it's time I-"

"I mean I know I was joking before," Eric interrupted. "But damn, that arse is fine, it's like a peach, I could sink ma teeth inta it."

Will's eyes darkened. "That's not the sort of language you should be using to your superiors, Mr Slingby."

"Oh, I love it when you use my full title. Next time I want you to scream it." Eric smirked. "So what do you say we go blow off some steam? Let me see if I can really take that brush out your arse?"

"I thought you were already copulating with that ferocious ferret of yours, Humphries?"

"Oh, Alan?" Eric snickered. "Nah, he was just a bit on tha side. Not mah fault he got attached."

"Oh Eric, you slag." Will smirked.

"Tonight, I'll be anything you want, baby." Eric winked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have a feeling some of our commenters aren't gonna like this.... :D Mwahahaha!


	10. I Just Had Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ronnie finally begins to share Alan's pain.

God damn it ma balls are itchy.  Ron thought to himself, putting a hand into his boxers to soothe the burning sensation.  Don't tell me I have to go to the clinic again... 

He was interrupted from his thoughts by his phone going off. "OH YES, NICE ONE MATE!" He exclaimed when he heard the ringtone. Eric only rang him when he got laid.

The lyrics echoed around the small apartment as he tried to find his phone.

"I just had sex and it felt so good..." 

"Hey mate!" Ron grinned. "You got back with Alan then?"

"Nooooope!" Eric giggled from the other end of the line.

Ron's eyebrows furrowed. "Wait, what? Then who are ya with? Don't tell me you're with- oh god! Not Grell!"

Eric almost sobered up on the spot. "God no!" He exclaimed.

"Then who? You only talk to me."  Wait, we didn't have sex and then I forgot did I? Oh shit... is that why I have itchy balls? Has he gone out to buy me romantic flowers? Was I asleep? That sounds like me. Oh god.... 

"Nah *hic* it was none other than Mr William T Spears himself. I tell ya, I took tha' brush out of his arse and replaced it with summot else if ye know wha' I'm sayin'."

Ronald's face fell. "Oh... that's good. At least you got some, yeah?"

Eric snickered. "Oh, I got some alreet!"

Ron's eyes began to water. "Well what time are you going to be back?" He asked, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice. Ronald was never subtle about his feelings for Will but Eric (being the dense motherfucker he is) never really caught on.

"Ah dinnae ken yet. I don't know if Willy wants ma willy back in him."

Ron's breath hitched but he covered it up with a cough. "I-I need to go."

"Alreet then, mate. Don't wait up." The line went dead.

A single tear took a stroll down Ronald's face, humming a tune as it went. He got up from the couch and went over to the freezer and brought out a tub of Ben and Jerry's.

Right now he wanted to be alone, but the gods decided against it. There was a gentle knock at the door. Ron ignored it. A few seconds later, there was a louder knock, but still gentle.

"Eric?" A soft voice called. Still no reply. "I know you're in there, you idiot! Oops. Pardon my French."

Ron sighed, getting up from the couch. Swinging open the door, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Ronald? Ronald, have you been crying?" Alan asked. "You look dreadful."

"Gee, thanks Humphries." Ron muttered. "M'fine."

"Okay..." Alan said slowly. "Is Eric home?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, where is he?"

Ron broke down.

"Ronald! What's wrong?!" Alan asked, entering the apartment and putting his tiny arms around the crying reaper's shoulders.

"It's William!" Ronald wept.

"What about him?" Alan asked, his now tinted eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I can't tell you!" Ronald said, walking back over to the couch and putting his head in his hands.

Alan followed. "It's alright Ronald. You can tell me anything."

"No! You don't understand, I really can't! You- you hate me enough already!"

"Ronald..." Alan said with a slight warning tone. "Tell me what happened."

"HE SLEPT WITH ERIC!"

There was clicking of heels down the hallway and then a flash of red. "Alan, I don't think this is a well thought out- RONNIE WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!" Grell screeched like a mother hen, running into the apartment as the door had been left open.

"W-what?" Alan whispered, ignoring Grell completely.

"He- he slept with Eric." Ron's body racked with sobs.

"WHO SLEPT WITH ERIC?! WHAT HAS THAT BASTARD DONE NOW?" Grell squawked.

"W-William...." Ron's voice was muffled by a cushion that he'd pressed his face into.

Grell's form shook with uncontrolled rage. "I HATE HIM! NOT MY WILLU!" She then looked back at Ronald who had buried his face into the couch. She saw how upset he was and realized just how much Ron loved the stoic reaper. She knew about Ron's feelings for Will but never took them seriously. She was regretting that now. Her feelings for Will were nothing compared to Ron's. In all honestly, she was jealous of Eric, all she wanted was a quick shag with Will. One night of raw passion. She knew she could never have a proper relationship, a lady like her could never be tied down.

Alan's small hand raised into the air. "I have an idea how we can get back at him."

"What is it?" Ron sniffled.

"We shit in his bed." Alan whispered, grinning slightly.

"W-what?"

"We shit in his bed." Alan repeated. "Pardon my French."

Grell's eyes widened manically. "We should!" She exclaimed. "That's an excellent idea, darling!"

Ron smiled through his tears. "I agree."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same tbh


	11. Fragrant Smells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING FOR STRONG LANGUAGE
> 
> This chapter is fucked up, even for us XD

"Ugn! Urrrrgh! Aghh! It hurts! I wasn't prepared enough for this!" Ronald said between shuddering breaths. His abs had never looked better as he clenched, squatting on the carpet. "Jesus Christ, Grell!" He exclaimed. "What the  hell  is that?!"

A manic cackle was heard. "Oh Ronnie, darling, this is just the beginning!"

A timid voice called, "I know this was my idea but... I'm tired now."

The three reapers were currently squatting in various places in the Scotsman's bedroom, mainly around the bed. Currently, a froyo-like substance was being excreted from Grell's butt cheeks, a putrid smell closely following. It smelled nothing like the potpourri in her apartment, no wonder Alan brought his Yankee Candles when he moved in.

"Wait- Grell? Are you shittin'  inside  the bed?!" Ron asked, disbelief evident in his tone.

Grell began to grin like the Cheshire cat. "Oh  yes  darling! Nothing like sweet, sweet revenge!"

"Nothing  about that is sweet." Alan muttered.

Alan decided to shit on top of the covers as he wanted Eric to see his first. He could imagine the shock and horror on his face and he tried to keep in his giggles. Finally, he was able to get Eric back for all the pranks, and in the worst, most disgusting way possible. Plus, he got to do it with his best friends. He couldn't be happier.

Ronald, being the devious little cunt he is, decided to shit  under  the bed so Eric can't find it and he'll wonder why it still stinks.

Alan was panting by now, sweat covering his brow. "I-I can't do this with you watching me!"

"Alan, for the last time, this was your fuckin' idea!" Ronald exclaimed.

"Well I'm still shy!" Alan shouted back, the strain caused him to release.

Ron grinned at him. "Well I'm done too!"

"Now then, darlings," Grell announced, wiping her arse on Eric's curtains. "Let's go for a coffee, shall we?"

~*~

Eric whistled a tune merrily as he came home from Will's apartment, as he had just finished a five hour marathon of sex. Literally.

He entered his apartment, smelling the air suspiciously.

Why does it smell like broccoli? 

He shrugged it off. Living with Ronnie, he was used to strange smells.

Speaking of Ronnie, where is he?  The blond wondered. He wasn't in his usual spot on the sofa watching RuPaul's Drag Race and inhaling poptarts at an alarming rate.

"Hey Ronnie, you in?" He called. No response. He began to search the rooms. "Jesus Christ!" He exclaimed as he reached his bedroom door. He opened it cautiously, pinching his nose so hard he was scared he'd end up looking like Voldemort.

"Wha'... the fuck... is THAT?!"

There's shit everywhere! What the- ALAN! I KEN IT WAS YE'! 

He angrily got out his purple Nokia flip phone and punched in the number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Me and Lucy actually wrote this in my notebook when we were at college. :D Love you, Boo!


	12. Oh, shit... not again!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grell fantasizes about her own crap and mistakes are finally realized.

Alan's phone went to voicemail.  "Oh! Um... hello! This is Alan! I- I um... can't get to the phone right now, I-I'm probably cleaning up after Eric." 

"Alan, I've dropped it again!" Eric's voice called from the phone. 

"Well pick it up then! Alan yelled. "O-oh. This is still going. J-just call me later! Bye!" 

The voicemail cut off. Suddenly, Eric felt a pang of loneliness. He missed Alan dearly. He missed the way Alan would berate him if he used the same knife for the butter as he did for the jam. He missed the way he would slap Alan on the arse with a tea towel and Alan would try to strangle him with a dishcloth. But most of all, he missed how Alan would wake him up with a kiss and a cup of tea in the mornings. 

'What am I doin'?'  He thought.  'I don't even like Will. Alan was more than just a bit on the side. He's... he's the love of my life. Oh my god, what have I done? I need to find him.' 

Eric then ran out of the apartment, his gold chains swinging in the breeze. 

~*~

After finishing their refreshing beverages, the three reapers headed back to Ronald and Eric's apartment.

"How bad do you think it's going to smell?" Grell asked with a smirk. "I reckon poor Eric's simply  gagging  at the sight!" 

"For fuck's sake, Grell!" Ron groaned. "I just had a hot chocolate!" 

Grell just grinned, her pointed teeth showing through the parting in her lips. 

"Oh poo!" Alan exclaimed. "I can smell the... poo." 

Two out of the three reapers began to hold their noses as they walked down the hallway towards the apartment door whilst the third cackled manically. 

"Pardon my French." Alan muttered. 

"What is it with you speaking French?! Spice it up with a little Espagnol: the language of passion!" 

They opened the door, instantly coughing and putting a hand over their mouths and noses. The twang in Alan's nose sent a twang of guilt in his stomach. 

"FUCKIN' 'ELL I BETTER LAY OFF THE POPTARTS!" Ronald shouted but it was muffled by his hands. 

"Indeed, it is a bit nutty, isn't it darling?" Grell giggled, seemingly unphased by the toxic and possibly life threatening smell. That odour could kill small woodland animals, Ron was sure of it. He was positive that the local environment would be affected by this biohazard. The whole realm will be quarantined at this rate. "Well, this has been a fabulous bonding experience but I'm afraid I must depart! I have fans to make a video for!" She then proceeded to trot in her high heels out of the door and into the night. 

There was an awkward silence. "So..." Ron drawled, realising he'd never actually held a conversation with Alan before on his own. "The weather's pretty cool, huh?" 

Alan frowned. "Ronald, we just pooed in a bed together and you're talking to me about the weather?"  Truth be told, I am a little lonely since Eric left... I was so stupid. He'll never love me now... we're over... finished... I'm so lonely! 

Ronald scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, um, sorry. I just have my mind on other things right now." 

"William?" Alan guessed. Ron nodded sadly. There was another pause. "Ronald?" Ron looked up. "Are you as lonely as me?" He whispered. 

"Yeah." Ron replied quietly. "But I've been lonely longer." 

Alan thought for a moment. "You know... we could be lonely together?" 

Ronald smiled. "I'd like that." The two reapers connected hands and headed towards the shit-filled bedroom. 

"ALAAAANNN! I KEN YER IN 'ERE!" A kilt-wearing blond ran into the room, panting. 

Alan instantly dropped Ron's hand. "Eric!" 

"Al, I'm so- wait, were ye just fondlin' Ronnie's hand, ye slut!" 

"Hey!" Ron yelled at Alan and then turned to Eric. "And I think YOU'RE the slut here! You slept with- with the boss!" 

"Stay out of this, Ronnie!" Eric screamed, scottishly. 

Alan stormed across the room, grabbing Eric's hair and kissing him roughly. "I love you, you stupid bastard!" He yelled. "Pardon... my Spanish." The brunet mumbled between kisses. 

"And I love you too, you adorable piece of shit." Eric said lovingly with a smile. 

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Ron yelled. "Not again!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We wrote the majority of this one at college too. Yup. Next chapter is going to be... Well, you'll find out. Let's just say me and Lucy have been waiting a long time to write that one.


	13. Squelch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEFORE YOU READ: please note that this is very graphic and sarcastic as shit. Yes, it is meant to be cringy, yes, it is meant to make you feel sick and grossed out. Enjoy........ ;)

Alan led Eric over to the couch, attempting to pin the blond to the cushions.

"Ye' wanna try toppin' tonigh', wee lad?" Eric whispered, his sensual Scottish accent becoming more prominent in his lust. His green eyes became a murky grey as they darkened with passion.

Alan gulped. "D-do you think I'm ready for it?"

Eric nodded, feverishly removing Alan's clothing.

"Okay." Alan said, there was a pause. "Umm... Eric?" The Scotsman looked up from sniffing the brunet's sock, like a common freak. "Where do I put Little Angus?" Eric thought it would be appropriate to name Alan's penis with a true Scottish name.

"Oh, your peperami? I'd call it a bratwurst but love, it ain't thick enough. Just stick it righ' 'ere." Eric pointed to his puckered butthole.

Alan looked at it in confusion. The brunet gulped again before raising Eric's kilt. Clearly, Eric hadn't shaved in a few weeks so his butthole was protected by a vastly untamed forest. He was happy to see that Eric kept with tradition as Little Angus raised in excitement from between the confines of his underwear.

Alan began to pump Eric's pulsating member, smirking to himself as he thought he could feel the beat of Another One Bites The Dust. Alan gaped at the leaking mushroom head and began lapping the precum, using it as makeshift lube as he put a digit inside of his lover.

"Uggggn! Oh Al, fuck meh, fuck meh hard, lad!" Eric exclaimed. "Me body is ready!"

Alan inserted another digit.

"Ugggghhhnnn!" His moans vibrated of the walls as he screamed bloody murder.

Alan began to scissor slowly, opening up his virgin hole in preparation for his meat tube. His own member began to twitch and he had to stifle his own moans of ecstasy at Eric's cries of pleasure. He palmed himself through his thong, his dick throbbing.

"Ey lad, let me do tha'." Eric rolled himself over, rubbing his bulge. He smirked as he felt it twitch beneath his touch.

"Oh Eric!!!" Alan exclaimed.

"C'mon now lad, dinnae leave me hangin'."

"Oh... right." Alan said as he began to release his shaft from it's silky confines. They released the rest of each other's clothing, completely nude in front of each other. Eric's penis looked like a foot long from Subway.

"Oh, yer well fit, aren't ya? Ya lil' sexy minx."

Alan blushed as he circled Eric's tight ring of muscle with his cock. Eric hummed in excitement as his ass invited Alan in.

Eric cried out and clenched as he felt something tear and crimson copper tasting life liquid escaped through the cracks of his crack.

Alan gasped. "Do you want me to stop?"

"Nah lad." Eric breathed dismissively. "We reapers heal quick, aye?"

Alan complied and began rocking back and forth like a rocking chair with an arsehole cat sat on it. He drove into his balloon knot butthole rapidly like a jeep from Top Gear. He reached down, massaging Eric's velvety sacks as they moved together as one in a mess of limbs.

"Is it cold in 'ere or are ye' happy tae see me?" Eric gasped, pinching Alan's erect rosy buds. Alan grabbed Eric's purple-headed yoghurt slinger, pumping it rapidly, avoiding his fingers getting caught in Eric's bush.

"Eric, you're so hairy!" Alan exclaimed.

"Why thank ye'."

"It wasn't a compliment! Have you not heard of veet?"

Eric's eyes darkened slightly. "Yeah but I ain't usin' it. I like ma bum fluff."

Alan shrugged and continued to flail aimlessly. Eric moaned as he felt the build up, his slit getting damp with his baby making juice.

"Al, I'm-!"

Eric screeched as the fierce spray exited the head of his length as he rode out his orgasm, accidently smacking Alan in the face.

"Oh, I like it when you get rough!" Alan shouted as he released a dainty orgasm, screaming endlessly into the void.

He released his slippery member from Eric's cleft with a squelch, veins popping. Eric felt a fart escape as Alan released his member from his virgin hole. He quickly took Alan's length into his mouth, tasting the salty juices.

"Oh! Oh! Ughn! Eriiiiiiiic!"

Eric groaned loudly, like that time his dad sat on his bagpipes, as Alan squirted his seed down his throat. He quickly swallowed all of the sticky substance.

They were quick to start a game of tonsil tennis, kissing each other passionately. "I love ye'." Eric whispered.

"I love you too, Eric." Alan breathed as they exchanged fluids.

They flung themselves back on the bed, panting heavily. Alan began to clean the petit filous type substance off Eric’s stomach. Eric lay there, looking like he'd just had his first enema. Maybe, he had.

.

.

.

The Undertaker chuckled as he finished typing. Now that Eric and Alan were back together, he could continue with his fanfiction career.

"Back in business." He grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, Undertaker, you dirty bastard! Do you regret all your life choices now? Because we do.


	14. Spherical Situations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, we're really sorry for the delay and the shortness of this chapter. We didn't want to leave you with nothing. At the moment, it's been difficult to meet up as we've both been busy these past couple of weeks. Things should be getting back to normal now so we can still have our usual schedule.

Alan smiled as he entered his and Eric’s apartment. He’d recently moved back in with the Scot, Ronnie moving back in with Grell. He’d just gone to get the rest of his things from Grell’s apartment. He placed the ceramic bunny gently on the table, going to check on Eric as he was still asleep.

Entering the bedroom cautiously, nose in a Yankee Candle (he knew to shield himself from Eric’s morning smells), he saw the blond peacefully sleeping. Sprawled over the bed, a puddle of drool leaving his mouth, Eric scratched his arse, pulling his boxers out of his crack as he did so.

‘Such an angel.’  Alan thought to himself wistfully.

The fabric of the Scotsman's boxers rippled as a flatulent  ‘pffft’  was released, like a balloon slowly losing air.

Alan stared at him longingly.

There was an unearthly groan and then a creak from the bed. The gaseous event had caused Eric to rise. He pried his eyes open, his vision focusing on Alan’s face. “Mornin’ gobshite. I must’ve gassed meself out as I have an angel by ma side.”

Alan blushed and giggled. “So sweet.”

Eric rolled back over and fell asleep, his snores reverberating off the walls.

‘We don’t do many couple-y things.’  Alan thought to himself.  ‘I’m going to change that. I’m going to make my love breakfast.’  He smiled.

He went into the kitchen and retrieved the eggs, singing softly to himself.

“Shinigami haken kyoukai desu 

Hageshiku Dance! 

Shitemasu ga 

Ikigire suru shinigami desu 

Mechakucha chouju! 

Bareru no dare? Dar-  AHHHHH!”

History repeated itself as Eric tried to kiss Alan on the cheek but ended up startling him. The eggs slipped between Alan’s fingers. All was lost.

Alan screeched, catching one of the eggs but failing to catch the other. Eric dived to the floor, trying to save the embryotic damsel in distress. He failed. The juices flew in all directions, smacking him in the forehead. A liquidy reminder of the mistake he made. An image flashed in his mind.

‘SEVEN BRITISH COINS OF THE WORTH OF SEVEN BRITISH POUNDS!’ 

He grimaced. Looking up at Alan, he was faced with the brunet’s floral Doc Martins. He heard his own voice in his head, mocking him.

‘I don’t want tae get hit with his Doc Martins this time.’ 

He stared into the brunet’s eyes. “Alan! I’m so-" 

He was cut off by a giggle. 

“Oh Eric, you look so funny down there.” Alan looked towards the blond’s nether regions. “Oh, um… you have a bollock hanging out of your underwear.” He blushed. “Pardon my Portuguese.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this brightens your day (particularly with the Americans *cough* Trump *cough*).


End file.
